Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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