I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
