foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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