turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
