Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
