holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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