can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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