i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
