a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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