the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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