I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
