I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
