I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
