Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize