spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
