Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
