foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
