My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
