I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's the barista slut.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
