: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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