I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
