Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
