So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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