You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
