I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
