I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
