Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
