So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
