Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
