On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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