I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
