I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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