My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize