I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so much tequila, so little girl.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
