You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
