Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
