I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
