I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
