anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
