I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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