did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
