Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Come share oat with me in your robe
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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