I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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