Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
