Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
