he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
