I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
