I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
