i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Less talking, more tequila
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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