I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
