New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
