I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
