I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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