just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize